Happy New Year and all that.
I'm starting the New Year with a more light hearted sense than I have had lately. It is a little difficult since I spent the holiday with my husband's family and which was an experience that reminded me of all of the most frustrating aspects of my husbands personality without the balance of the things that make him so wonderful. He ran me over the entire time. Asked me what I thought then completely disregarded my opinion. Then the rest of his siblings who do the same thing to the people in their lives (I assume) where there pushing everything the whole time. I did really enjoy seeing Gracie play with her cousins. That time in my life is so valuable I am happy she has it too. I also had a nice opportunity to chat With Luke's sister who has some insight into what I am going through.
I had a wonderful time hanging out with Grace during vacation. I am really getting into the motherhood of the whole thing. Maybe that is where my focus should go.
I am a little disappointed that there have been no responses to my blog. Is it possible that everyone has their own to attend to? It's more likely that there is nothing that draws people to this one. It is still a good outlet for my self centered little musings.

already feeling insecure about "The First One"

I found a mistake in the first paragraph in my first posting.  Now I'm freaking a bit about not seeming smarter.  I wish I were easier on myself, or maybe wittier.  Sometime I wonder if I would have accomplished more if I weren't insecure.  That is one of the things that is so scary about marriage.  There is a certain amount of finality I never experienced before.  I enjoy our relationship and adore our daughter, but (am I a bitch for saying but?).  But, I feel like I'm done.  The major milestones have been hit.  a BA, an MA a career, a happy marriage, a baby.  Now I just do this until retirement?

Anyway maybe I'll add more later.

The first one

Why not me, I guess.  I know there are plenty of people out there who have fascinating lives and thoughts that are out there blogging.  Then there is everybody else, or should I say the rest of us.  I need some kind of outlet, maybe even feedback.  This has proven to be the most difficult year of my life.   I know who I was at the beginning but I'm not sure who I am now.  It wouldn't be so unnerving if I didn't really enjoy who I was.  

Who I am? 35 year old woman, married for 2 1/2 years with a 15 month old daughter.  My husband is 48.  This is his second marriage.  He has a 17 year old son who lives with us full time.  We live in Southern California.  

I was a stay at home mom for the first year of my daughter's life.  I returned to work as a teacher in September.  The following day a dear friend of ours died.  My husband's best friend of 25 years.

It all hit at the same time becoming a working mother and experiencing a huge loss.  I aged, I feared, I grew depressed.  I love my life, my husband is my hero, but something in me feels very unfamiliar and I don't know where to put it. 

Who I was?

I lived alone for 11 years.  Supported myself, visited 12 different countries.  Childlike, silly, active high energy.

I miss myself.

Does this ring with anyone else?

Maybe the new Melanie is a blogger.  Maybe I'll keep up with it and post pictures and figure my life out in a variety of fonts.  Who knows.  What if I'm a knitter and I never find out.